I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
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No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
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Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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