I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
