Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
