he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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