Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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