i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
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Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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