It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
