I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She's the barista slut.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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