there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
