Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
