so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
