If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
