i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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