We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
