I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
