My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
