Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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