I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
