I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
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After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
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I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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