The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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