If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
