My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
