This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You can't special order awesome
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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