Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
