i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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