i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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