Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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