If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
