Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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