dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
