I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
