ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
