I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
