I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
