Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
