the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
