booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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