i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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