If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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