yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
