If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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