if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she woke up with a sticky ear
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
