if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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