I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
