I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
