My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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