i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
