I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
