We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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