So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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