God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
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The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
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Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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