I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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