just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
