ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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