Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
