if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
