i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
