Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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