the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
