Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
